The Struggle: Breaking the Negative Cycles in Black Relationships...

"Nothing happens by accident. God set somethings up... He knew that you were going to go through a disappointment, and a lost, and a set back.... The enemy didn't understand, he meant it for evil...but God meant it for your good!"

Ladies, are you the “right woman” that Pastor Jamal Bryant speaks about? He states that, “The mate a man picks will either catapult him to the top or tie him into complacency, which woman are you?  Are we conducting ourselves in a way that will attract the good man that we deserve? Are we doing our part to build and maintain healthy relationships? According to the Joint Center for Political and Economic Studies, by the age of thirty nearly 81 percent of white women and 77 percent of Hispanics and Asians will marry, but that only 52 percent of black women will marry by that age. In addition, black women are also the least likely to re-marry following divorce. Only 32 percent of black women will get married again within five years of divorce; that figure is 58 percent for white women and 44 percent for Hispanic women. Society has compiled a list of reasons for this travesty.  According to “theGrio,”LaKeshia Rivers Ekegwe, author and Life Coach states that some of the obstacles black women face are steep. Many believe that black unemployment is an important factor in the lowering African-American marriage rates. “The demographics for African-Americans being unemployed is the highest out of all of the other races, which causes an immense amount of stress on the black male to maintain his family,” Relationship Coach and Author Roland Hinds told theGrio. “Although this is not representative of the entire African-American community, many men tend to abandon the family commitment because they are not able to hold the family together. They are afraid of looking like a failure.” Ekegwe also states that there are also historical reasons as to why marriage is not a stable tradition in our community.

But regardless to what society says.  I believe the promises that God made to those with faith:

1. He has promised to supply every need we have. The Bible says: "But my God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus". That's Phillipians 4:19. Now notice, God has obligated Himself only to the extent of our needs. That would include food, clothing, shelter, companionship, love, and salvation thru Jesus Christ. It would not include the multiplicity of luxuries that we have come to think of as needs.
2. God has promised that His grace is sufficient for us. (II Corinthians 12:9). in fact, He has made provision for our salvation by His grace through faith. Read Ephesians 2:8. It is through an obedient faith that we have access into the grace of God according to Romans 5:2.
3. God has promised that His children will not be overtaken with temptation. Instead, He assures us that a way of escape will be provided. This promise is recorded in I Corinthians 10:13. Jude wrote: "Now unto Him that is able to keep you from falling, and to present your faultless before the presence of his glory with exceeding joy" (Jude v 24). Darius, King of the Medes, said to Daniel, "Thy God whom thou servest continually, he will deliver thee" (Daniel 6:16). He did deliver Daniel from the den of lions.
4. God has promised us victory over death. He first resurrected Jesus by way of assuring our resurrection. Peter said: "This Jesus hath God raised up, whereof we are all witnesses" (Acts 2:32). Paul wrote to the Corinthians: "For I delivered unto you first of all that which I also received, how that Christ died for our sins according to the scriptures, and that he was buried, and that he rose again the third day according to the scriptures" (I Corinthians 15:3,4). Later on he adds: "but thanks be to God, which giveth us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ" (I Corinthians 15:57).
5. God has promised that all things work together for good to those who love and serve Him faithfully (Romans 8:28). It may be difficult for us to see and understand how this is accomplished at times, but God has promised it, and He will deliver.
6. God has promised that those who believe in Jesus and are baptized for the forgiveness of sins will be saved. (Read Mark 16:16 and Acts 2:38).
7. God has promised His people eternal life (John 10:27,28). In closing, let me appeal to you to live so that the promises of God will be yours.        

 All of that is beautiful!, but according to the word faith is the first step, but faith without works is dead. (James 2:14-26.)  So, what does that mean? We have to start putting in the work, and stop allowing all those things that drives us to jump into unhealthy relationships:  loneliness, our desires for sex, our desires for financial gain, etc. These things and many more set us up to continue the horrible cycle of broken homes that the Black community has seemingly embraced. Pastor Bryant states that many couples are miserable in their marriage, because they matched up in their minds, but there was no symmetry in their destiny. So, what that says to me is. BEFORE WE JUMP INTO COMMITTED RELATIONSHIPS, AND MARRIAGES, WE MUST FIRST UNDERSTAND OUR OWN PURPOSE.  Do you know who you are? Do you know what you are worth? Do you understand God’s purpose for your life?   It is just as important that the man whose you enter into a relationship with understand the same thing about himself.

This cycle of unhealthy relationships stand as a model for children who are produced in this chaos. What are we teaching our sons and daughters about relationships? Will that knowledge break the ongoing cycle of destitute in this area of our lives? Are we preparing our children for their destiny?  

In the middle of a national conversation about race following the George Zimmerman acquittal, CNN anchor Don Lemon gave an on-air commentary that went viral on social media. The focus of the commentary was a five-point list of recommendations. "Black people," Lemon said, "if you really want to fix the problem,  here's just five things that you should think about doing." The No. 1 item on that list -- "and probably the most important," he said -- had to do with out-of-wedlock births. "Just because you can have a baby, it doesn't mean you should," Lemon said.  "Especially without planning for one or getting married first.  More than 72 percent of children in the African-American community are born out of wedlock. That means absent fathers. And the studies show that lack of a male role model is an express train right to prison and the cycle continues."

According to the federal Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, which publishes a report every year that includes a wealth of data about births in America. The most recent report, published in August 2012, is based on data from 2010.

The report broke down statistics by ethnic groups. Here’s a summary

Racial or ethnic group	Percent of births considered "non-marital"
Asian Americans and Pacific Islanders	17 percent
Non-Hispanic whites	29 percent
Hispanics	53 percent
American Indian and Native Alaskans	66 percent
Non-Hispanic blacks	73 percent

What kind of message are we sending the world?  What message does this send to our children?  Pastor Bryant states that, “we raise our daughters to be “brides”- he didn’t say wives, and we raise our sons to be boyfriends.” He goes on to speak about Abraham in Genesis 24 who prays to the Lord that he would provide a wife for his son Isaac.  Pastor Bryant goes on to say that Abraham prayed and made a covenant that God would send the “right” spouse for his son, because there was a destiny in his child that he knew could not be forfeited.  Now that’s having your child’s back. Today, many of us think that we are good parents, because we buy our sons the new Jordan every month.   Abraham knew that there was something in his child that would impact nations, expand the faith, and make his family’s name great. Abraham knew that his son would be a great man!

Are we raising our sons to be great men?  Pastor suggests that we coddle our sons and discipline our daughters. He goes to say that as a result, we have raised our daughters to have management, discipline and focus. He states that we’ve raised our sons to be spoiled: allowing them to play video games for endless hours, while we charge and challenge our daughters to cook, clean, and do well in school. In the same house there is a daughter in extracurricular activities and on the Dean’s list, who the son is derelict of any responsibility or discipline, yet we don’t understand why we have generations of serial single fathers.  

According to an article published April 15, 2014, more than half the young black men who graduated high school in 2010 earned their diploma in four years, an improved graduation rate that still lagged behind that of their white counterparts, according to an education group's report released Wednesday.

The Schott Foundation for Public Education, which has tracked graduation rates of black males from public schools since 2004, said 52 percent of black males who entered ninth grade in the 2006-07 school year graduated in four years. That compared with 78 percent of white, non-Latino males and 58 percent of Latino males.

The foundation releases its report every two years. In 2008, the black male graduation rate was 47 percent. The progress among blacks closed the racial divide on graduation rates by 3 percentage points over nine years to a 26 percentage-point gap.

"At this rate it would take nearly 50 years for black males to graduate at the same rate as white males," said John H. Jackson, president and CEO of the foundation. "I don't think the country can wait. I don't think any parent or student can wait for half a century to have the same opportunities, education, jobs as their white male counterparts."

Pastor Bryant urges us to strive for spiritual maturity. This maturity will allow us to fully understand, and embrace that there is calling on our own life that we will NOT be able to fulfill by ourselves. Our children will go on to fulfill the legacy of the call and covenant. This will change our perspective, lifestyle, and prayer life. We must begin to pray that God Blesses our sons with a “the right woman.”

RESOURCES:

1.       “Every Man Has Got To Find A Good Woman,” By Jamal Bryant (Part ONE)  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bAyfQlHJwfw

2.       theGrio: http://thegrio.com/2011/12/23/is-marriage-dead-for-african-americans/

3.       “The Seven Promises of God to Man,”   http://www.bible.ca/d-7promises-god.htm

4.       PolitiFact Com: http://www.politifact.com/truth-o-meter/statements/2013/jul/29/don-lemon/cnns-don-lemon-says-more-72-percent-african-americ/

5.       High School Graduation Rates for Black Males Trail White Students: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/09/19/black-male-hs-graduation-_n_1896490.html